By: Marjorie Pickens, National Correspondent, Bethel Truth Teller
America is divided. Left, right, rural, urban, TikTok vs. Facebook. But at long last, political scientists have found the perfect framework to explain our nation’s dysfunction: Olive Garden’s Unlimited Breadsticks.
Think of Congress as a table of 535 diners. Everyone agreed, at some hazy point in the past, that “unlimited breadsticks” sounded like a good idea. But immediately, senators began hoarding baskets, representatives started trading them for campaign donations, and someone from Oklahoma tried to deep fry one and call it an “infrastructure project.”
The Supreme Court, meanwhile, ruled that corporations can sit at the table too—except instead of eating breadsticks, they’re allowed to bring their own golden baguettes from home. The waitstaff (that’s the American people) are left with baskets of crumbs and a check bigger than the GDP of Vermont.
And of course, the presidency is just the person loudly declaring, “Folks, there’s plenty of breadsticks for everyone!” while discreetly stuffing six into a jacket pocket.
Researchers note the system technically “works,” in that breadsticks continue to arrive, but distribution is chaos. Some districts are overflowing with garlic-soaked carbs, while others are left gnawing on the paper napkins.
“Unlimited” in practice, it turns out, doesn’t mean infinite—just endlessly fought over.
Experts warn that if America doesn’t fix its breadstick imbalance soon, we’ll collapse into a civil war between those who want to dip them in Alfredo sauce and those who insist on plain marinara.
And when that happens, historians will shake their heads and say: “Ah yes, the Breadstick Compromise of 2025. We should’ve seen it coming.”