By Staff Reporter: Clarissa Penwright, Senior Crust Correspondent
A mysterious Bethel teen hero is on a mission to put our town on the pizza map — one slice at a time. Armed with nothing more than a camera phone, a sharp palate, and the ability to chew with purpose, the anonymous reviewer has launched a campaign to summon none other than Dave Portnoy — the Barstool Sports founder, pizza reviewer, and self-proclaimed “El Presidente.”
Portnoy, who began his “One Bite” pizza reviews in 2017 and has since chewed his way through hundreds of pies across the country, is known for his simple but brutally honest scoring system: “One bite, everybody knows the rules” (though he famously takes more than one). He’s rated slices everywhere from New Haven’s legendary Pepe’s and Sally’s to no-name corner shops in strip malls.
The Bethel teen, who has asked to remain nameless, cited “complicated legal reasons” and “a pending orthodontist bill” as his motivations for anonymity. “If my guidance counselor finds out I’ve been skipping algebra to review pies, I’m cooked,” the teen admitted while delicately folding a slice of pepperoni in half. “So just call me Pizza Phantom.”
The Pizza Phantom has been tagging Portnoy relentlessly on social media with Bethel-based reviews, hoping to lure him to Fairfield County. So far, Portnoy has not confirmed or denied his awareness, though town insiders speculate that his GPS may already be locked onto Greenwood Avenue.
Local pizza proprietors are divided on the phenomenon.
At Portofino’s, owner Giovani “Extra Cheese” DeLuca shrugged as he sauced up a pie:
“Look, if Portnoy comes, great. If not, we still got pies, right? But if this kid keeps saying our crust is ‘floppier than a freshman at gym class,’ we’re gonna have words.”
Meanwhile, over at Famous Pizza, owner Maria Costanzo was more optimistic:
“I say let the kid review all he wants. Free advertising! Though, if he keeps saying my sauce is ‘sweet like grandma’s perfume,’ I might just start watering it down.”
Even Bethel Pizza House got in on the conversation. “Honestly, we’ve been waiting for this moment for years,” said manager Niko Papadopoulos. “If it takes a teenager with too much TikTok energy to make it happen, then so be it. God bless America.”
As the reviews pile up, one thing is clear: Bethel is ready for its pizza destiny. Whether or not Dave Portnoy answers the call, this local teen hero has already secured his place in town lore as the caped crusader of crust, the masked avenger of mozzarella, the phantom of the pie.
And for Bethel, that might be the greatest slice of all.